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It’s a rollercoaster. Trying to keep my head above water. This time is the perfect example of when it feels impossible to find the good, yet the little things are there. They are all I have. 1. Tosha  2. My spaceship. 3. My yoga room. 4. The sun in the guest room. 5. The tin ceiling. It’s not the strongest species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It’s the one most responsive to change. ~Charles Darwin So many changes. We sold my dream. We moved to California. We moved back. We a living in a place that is far from the dream. I’ve been hospitalized and I’m healing. I wake empty and cry throughout the day. I have not been responding well. Last night, after the dinner to celebrate my 56th birthday, I kissed my babies goodnight and had a revelation. These babies are just entering puberty and I recognize the heartbreaking changes—they don’t talk to me as much (and when they do, we tend to argue), the sweetness is fading and the cynicism growing. I’ve been through it before…twice. It was pissing me off and adding to my recent misery. But they still kiss me goodnight. It’s my birthday, and I have decided to stop it. Time is going to march on, whether I am weeping or not. Those boys are going to continue to grow away from me, but they are here NOW. I need to appreciate it ALL. During the pandemic, I got so tired of everyone talking about gratitude that it made this effort seem trite. So I stopped. The result has not been a positive one. So here I go again, on my 20,440th day on this planet, I will record my 5 Grate Things. 1. My husband making a cake for me. 2. The cards from my boys. 3. The calls from Luke and Grethe. 4. The lovely couch that holds me. 5. Two dry houses. |
